34

my friend made me the most amazing cake!

I turned 34 on the 15th. Around my birthday I always like to reflect back on what the past year has brought me and what I want from the year ahead. This was the first year in several consecutive years that didn’t have a sentinel event that defined the year. I didn’t get married, change careers, or have a baby. Instead, it has been a year of figuring out who I am after the dust from all of those major events has settled. Although 34 feels a little scary to me because it means I am officially in my mid-thirties, I’m also okay with it because I feel like in the past year all the pieces have come together and I am just where I should be in my life. It's not at all where I would have predicted I'd be 10 years ago, but it feels so right.

Motherhood- This wasn’t literally the year I became a Mom, but I do feel like it is the year that being a Mom became part of my identity. When I turned 33, Cooper wasn’t even 5 months old. I was still very much in survival mode. A year later, I’ve found my groove and we’ve settled in (as much as you can settle with a constantly changing toddler). Instead of just surviving, I’m trying to parent with intention. I have more confidence in my decisions as a parent. I’m enjoying my child and watching him grow,

Work- Right now I’m working as a nurse 2-3 days a week, teaching a bootcamp class, teaching an aerial yoga class, and I hope do more short term consulting projects like the one I just finished. I kind of fell into this multiple jobs scenario as different opportunities presented themselves, but this seems to be the balance I’ve always looked for in my work life. I enjoy each type of work I do, but I am not feeling stressed and consumed by life like I did when I was working one fulltime job.

Running/Fitness- In some ways I feel like I’m in the best shape I’ve been in in years. I just set a PR in the half marathon! I’m pretty happy with all the muscles I see in the mirror! But I can also feel that maybe I’ve crested the mountain and I’m heading down the other side. I’m noticing that I have more aches and pains, that I don’t recover as quickly as I used to. I’m trying to be really good about mixing up my workouts, including lots of strength work, and including time for recovery (foam rolling, yoga, etc) every day.

It's taken 34 years, but I am learning to relax and roll with life instead of trying to control every little thing. It's made life infinitely easier and happier, so in that vein I'm not setting any specific goals for the year ahead. I just want to see what else the universe has for me. 

Time Machine

The past week I went on my first business trip since Cooper was born. I was gone for 5 nights, which was, by far, the longest I've ever been away from him. When the opportunity to do a short consulting project first presented itself, I was so torn. (A little background: before I became a nurse, I worked with electronic medical records and traveled ALL the time.) It was great opportunity financially, but it was so hard to choose to leave my child.

Watching me drive away

I went for it, but I was an anxious mess as the trip grew near. I doubted myself professionally-would I be able to do the job since I'd been out of the field for awhile? I felt so guilty. Would Cooper be okay with me? I felt guilty that my Mom and Aunt would have to come help with Cooper and that my husband would have to take on additional responsibility. I frantically tried to prepare everything at home for my absence- writing detailed instructions, cooking all of Cooper's favorite foods. The day I left I hugged him a hundred times and cried every single time. Leaving felt so wrong.

there are no calories in expense account ice cream right?

But then I was gone and everything was okay. Cooper was fine. I was fine, actually more than fine. I had such a great trip. I stepped right back into the EMR world as if I'd never left. I really enjoyed the work- it felt so good to be back in a job where I felt in control and like an expert. I haven't found that in my current job. After living really frugally because I've only been working part time, it felt like a treat to have an expense account and get to buy fancy coffee every morning and eat out. Even though I was working 12-13 hour days, it felt like a break because I only had myself to worry about. When I got back to my hotel at night, I could flop down on the bed and eat room service and watch TV. There was no baby to feed and bathe and get to bed.

It was a strange experience, almost like getting into a time machine and going back 10 years in my own life. It was nice to remember, and rediscover, who I am outside of being a mother. However, it was like New York City, nice to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. I love my child, I love my husband, I love being a wife and a mother. This reminded me though, that I can be both of those things and also myself. It is important to pursue my own passions and be my own person- it makes me a better mother in the long run.

The best Moms let you swim in your clothes