At 25 I had a career. I made good money. There were clear steps for advancement. Now, I don't just have one career, I have multiple jobs. I like each of them infinitely more than what I used to do. I am grateful to get to spend so much time with my son while he is small. But I make a quarter of the money I used to. Because I work part time at so many places, I feel like I'm not a part of the group at any of my jobs. It's hard always being the outsider, always feeling like you need to work extra hard to make up for the fact you aren't there all the time. I am starting another part time nursing job soon that I'm really excited about. But at the same I know that I won't be there enough to have it define me. It's just another job, still no career.I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Now I am and it is so much harder than I expected. Having a small child is relentless. I love Cooper so much. Nothing in my life has ever meant this much to me, and yet so many times each day I just want 10 minutes alone. So many times each day I run out of patience. So many time each day my heart wants to explode because I love him so much. I always thought I'd have 2 kids, but now I just don't know. Can I physically/emotionally/financially handle another one? It's not clear anymore what the next step should be.
While life in general seems unsettled, each day seems too routine. Exercise, feed the dog, walk the dog, get Cooper up and dressed, put Cooper down for a nap or for bed, change diapers, make food, clean up food, plan activities, pack for activities, clean up from activities, work. There is no spontaneity, no adventure. I always used to have my next trip, my next adventure planned.
I was hoping that 35 would just take some time to settle into. More than 2 months later, I'm not feeling like that's true at all. Maybe this is what 35 will be. Unsettled.
Does it seem like the settled-ness and spontaneity balance is off? There is nothing that says you have to work a "normal" 8-5 job and have a certain amount of kids and live a typical life. And it doesn't sound like you are missing out on anything there except camaraderie and connection at work (which, is a huge thing). But I do hear you on being over doing the same thing day in and out. We need little excitement here and there in our lives!
ReplyDeleteI don't know it is off, it is just different. I've always been a very goals driven person with a clear idea what I want to do next. I don't have that right now. It's the process of trying to figure out if going with the flow works for me.
ReplyDelete