34

my friend made me the most amazing cake!

I turned 34 on the 15th. Around my birthday I always like to reflect back on what the past year has brought me and what I want from the year ahead. This was the first year in several consecutive years that didn’t have a sentinel event that defined the year. I didn’t get married, change careers, or have a baby. Instead, it has been a year of figuring out who I am after the dust from all of those major events has settled. Although 34 feels a little scary to me because it means I am officially in my mid-thirties, I’m also okay with it because I feel like in the past year all the pieces have come together and I am just where I should be in my life. It's not at all where I would have predicted I'd be 10 years ago, but it feels so right.

Motherhood- This wasn’t literally the year I became a Mom, but I do feel like it is the year that being a Mom became part of my identity. When I turned 33, Cooper wasn’t even 5 months old. I was still very much in survival mode. A year later, I’ve found my groove and we’ve settled in (as much as you can settle with a constantly changing toddler). Instead of just surviving, I’m trying to parent with intention. I have more confidence in my decisions as a parent. I’m enjoying my child and watching him grow,

Work- Right now I’m working as a nurse 2-3 days a week, teaching a bootcamp class, teaching an aerial yoga class, and I hope do more short term consulting projects like the one I just finished. I kind of fell into this multiple jobs scenario as different opportunities presented themselves, but this seems to be the balance I’ve always looked for in my work life. I enjoy each type of work I do, but I am not feeling stressed and consumed by life like I did when I was working one fulltime job.

Running/Fitness- In some ways I feel like I’m in the best shape I’ve been in in years. I just set a PR in the half marathon! I’m pretty happy with all the muscles I see in the mirror! But I can also feel that maybe I’ve crested the mountain and I’m heading down the other side. I’m noticing that I have more aches and pains, that I don’t recover as quickly as I used to. I’m trying to be really good about mixing up my workouts, including lots of strength work, and including time for recovery (foam rolling, yoga, etc) every day.

It's taken 34 years, but I am learning to relax and roll with life instead of trying to control every little thing. It's made life infinitely easier and happier, so in that vein I'm not setting any specific goals for the year ahead. I just want to see what else the universe has for me. 

Time Machine

The past week I went on my first business trip since Cooper was born. I was gone for 5 nights, which was, by far, the longest I've ever been away from him. When the opportunity to do a short consulting project first presented itself, I was so torn. (A little background: before I became a nurse, I worked with electronic medical records and traveled ALL the time.) It was great opportunity financially, but it was so hard to choose to leave my child.

Watching me drive away

I went for it, but I was an anxious mess as the trip grew near. I doubted myself professionally-would I be able to do the job since I'd been out of the field for awhile? I felt so guilty. Would Cooper be okay with me? I felt guilty that my Mom and Aunt would have to come help with Cooper and that my husband would have to take on additional responsibility. I frantically tried to prepare everything at home for my absence- writing detailed instructions, cooking all of Cooper's favorite foods. The day I left I hugged him a hundred times and cried every single time. Leaving felt so wrong.

there are no calories in expense account ice cream right?

But then I was gone and everything was okay. Cooper was fine. I was fine, actually more than fine. I had such a great trip. I stepped right back into the EMR world as if I'd never left. I really enjoyed the work- it felt so good to be back in a job where I felt in control and like an expert. I haven't found that in my current job. After living really frugally because I've only been working part time, it felt like a treat to have an expense account and get to buy fancy coffee every morning and eat out. Even though I was working 12-13 hour days, it felt like a break because I only had myself to worry about. When I got back to my hotel at night, I could flop down on the bed and eat room service and watch TV. There was no baby to feed and bathe and get to bed.

It was a strange experience, almost like getting into a time machine and going back 10 years in my own life. It was nice to remember, and rediscover, who I am outside of being a mother. However, it was like New York City, nice to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. I love my child, I love my husband, I love being a wife and a mother. This reminded me though, that I can be both of those things and also myself. It is important to pursue my own passions and be my own person- it makes me a better mother in the long run.

The best Moms let you swim in your clothes

How I Broke 2 Hours in the Half Marathon

This past weekend I finally broke 2 hours in the half marathon. It wasn’t expected because my training was less than ideal and I felt terrible in the 10 mile race I did 3 week prior. As I reflected back, I came up with quite a few factors that all came together to result in a PR.

1)      I weigh less. I actually weight 5-10 lbs less than I did pre-baby. Unusual I know, and please don’t hate me because it certainly isn’t due to good nutrition. I was so sick the first half of my pregnancy that I lost weight instead of gaining. Then after I had Cooper my body thought I was feeding triplets. I fed my own baby and donated more than 1000 oz to NICU babies. All that milk production really helped my metabolism. Since I stopped breastfeeding, I've kept the weight off because I'm so busy chasing an active toddler I don't have much time to sit and eat. Even though the weight loss wasn’t intentional, it helped. Lighter=faster (to a point)

2)       Training conditions were challenging. I did most of my training runs in some combination of snow, high winds, ice, and very early mornings. So even though I didn’t necessarily hit the distances or paces I wanted for these runs, they did make me stronger and fitter.

3)      I did speed work. I go to the track once a week and although I don’t follow a formal training plan, including faster running regularly made faster paces more comfortable mentally and physically. This was especially true in the last mile of the race. I had the confidence of knowing Id run fast miles at the track recently.

4)      I nailed my nutrition. I took in more calories than I ever have in a half marathon, but I took them in smaller increments over a longer period of time. It worked.

5)      The pressure was off. I did not go into this race expecting a PR. I didn’t even check my watch until mile 9. I just ran a comfortable pace. So not only did I set a PR< but I enjoyed myself.

6)      The weather was perfect- low 50’s, mostly cloudy, slightly breezy.

I enjoyed this race so much and was so proud of my PR that I immediately wanted to sign up for another race to see if I could go even faster. Luckily I managed to suppress this initial urge and realize that isn’t the best thing for me right now. I ran this PR because I wasn’t trying to. I was healthy, the weather was perfect, and I’d had an easy week work wise the week before. The chances of all that happening again are slim. Plus this training cycle helped me see that distance running is just not the right thing for me and family right now. So instead of spoiling this accomplishment by trying to force in another race, I’m just going to enjoy it.

Maine Coast Half Marathon 2018

Well hello friends! Guess what I did yesterday....... I set a PR in the half marathon and finally broke 2 hours! If that's enough information for you, great, that's all you need to know. If you want the long version, keep reading.

I signed up for this race on New Year's Eve (after several margaritas). I thought "I gave myself a year after having a baby and now I am finally going to break 2 hours in the half." I started my training feeling very motivated. Then we had a terrible winter/spring where the cold, snow, and ice just never ended. And trying to find time for long runs with a baby and a husband who works overnights turned out to be more difficult than expected. The final straw was feeling absolutely horrible at the Portland 10 Miler, which I ran several weeks ago. I resigned myself to the fact that my life was not conducive to setting a PR right now and prepared to just run the race for fun.

I wasn't able to make it to packet pick-up Friday night, and I'd been warned that the parking could be a long walk from the start, so I left my house by 6am so I was there at 6:30. I parked, walked to the start, and got my bib all within 10 minutes of arriving. Luckily, the race started at UNE and we were able to hang out in the student center while we waited. So I was warm and had real bathrooms to use! My college friend Jen (who had to chaperone a school dance Friday night and thus had to leave her house in MA at 4 am!!) arrived a few minutes later and we caught up on life while we waited for the start.

Even though the race had less than 2,000 runners, it was a wave start. The first wave (with Jen in it) went off at 8 and my wave started 3 minutes later. At the 10 miler I went out as hard as I could and then tried to hang on. This time I was smarter and made myself hold back and go out at a comfortable pace. I turned my Garmin to the clock, so I couldn't see my pace, and ran by feel. I decided to do 6 minute run, 30 second walk intervals. The run-walk intervals really work for me. It breaks up the time mentally, helps keep my heart rate in check, and helps limit fatigue from the repetitive motion of running.

The first half of the race went so quickly. It was an out and back loop. We ran right by the house my childhood best friend's family rented in the summer, so I was busy reminiscing about that, listening to podcasts, and admiring the scenery. The majority of the course was right along the ocean and it was stunning. I alternated between looking out at the ocean and at the crazy, fancy houses along the water.

The second half did not pass quite as quickly. I really wished I'd studied the course map more carefully because I didn't realize we did an out and back loop in the other direction before returning to UNE. It was much longer than I expected and I just kept wondering when the heck we were going to turn around.

I brought one packet of GU Chomps and took 2 at miles 5,6,7, and 9 (I totally missed the mile 8 marker when I was going to take my last 2). I also took water at every water stop, which was every 2 miles. The chomps seem to work great for me in the half. I found they aren't enough in a full marathon, but they keep me going in the half, without feeling like they are weighing me down. I also find they are easier to munch on while running than gels.

I kept running by feel, I peeked at my overall time at mile 9 and realized that sub 2 might be a possibility. From that point I pushed a little harder, but didn't let myself obsess over my pace. I truly wanted to enjoy the race and not spend the last 4 miles trying to do the math about exactly how fast I would need to run.

Just before mile 12 I turned my watch back to the time screen. I saw 1:51 and realized that sub 2 was a definite possibility. It was game on! At that point I let myself go all out and gave it everything I had. I was passing people and felt great! Once again, I wished I'd studied the course because it turned off when I didn't expect it to. We ended up approaching the finish from the opposite direction we started. Since I didn't know exactly where the finish was, I had to trust the distance on my watch and just kept pushing. I saw the crowds and knew we must be getting close, but you couldn't see the actual finish until you were there because they had us turn off the road and go into a field.) I crossed the line and immediately looked at my watch. 1:59:20. I'd done it. Looking back after the race, I ran that last mile at almost an 8 minute pace!

Thankfully no one was waiting for me right there because I was doing a very unattractive combination of happy crying and dry heaving. I was just so darn happy and proud of myself.

I got my medal and my water bottle and found Jen. We headed over to the finish party area to stretch and chat about the race. We both agreed that the water was perfect. They had been calling for rain, but it ended up being partially sunny and in the low 50's with a nice sea breeze. I am so relived it wasn't hot!

We grabbed some food, but skipped the free beer. It was only 10 am, and I needed to be functional the rest of the day. I'm pretty sure the post race beer at the 10 miler contributed to my complete lack of desire to do anything the rest of the day. We definitely used our free ice cream tickets though- its never too early in the day for ice cream.

I would definitely do the race again. It was well organized, the course was beautiful, and the after party was fun. My only complaint is that it was fairly expensive to not have the race shirt included.

My Mom had come down to watch Cooper and told me to take my time, so after the race I enjoyed a solo trip to Khols to spend a gist card from Christmas and getting to grocery shop at the fancy new Market Basket in Biddeford. For a Mom, getting to shop alone and not rush is a real treat.

A day later and I'm still basking in the thrill of my PR and finally breaking 2 hours.

Happy Mother's Day all!

"Normal"

He was so small, and I was so tired

Since Cooper turned one I feel like I’m getting a lot of comments from people about how I must be glad that life is getting “back to normal.” While things certainly have settled down from the sleep deprived, this is all so new and scary newborn days, I don’t know that I’d call my life back to “normal.”

Before kids, normal was:

• Getting to go to the bathroom alone. Now I either have to deal with Cooper banging on the bathroom door and screaming or I can let him in with me and trying to keep him from unrolling and shredding the entire roll of toilet paper and/or finding things to throw through my legs and into the toilet
• Being able to prepare food and eat all of it with both of my hands. Now meal prep is punctuated with frequent stops to engage Cooper in a non-dangerous activity. During meals I have to stop to pick up thrown food, cups, utensils, etc at least once a minute. And even if we are eating the same thing, he always wants what is on my plate instead of his own.
• Not having my heart walk around outside of my body. I love my little guy so much- a hug from him just makes my heart explode with joy, but at the same time I’m so aware of how little and fragile he is.

I made a human and now I am responsible for making sure he grows up safely and with every opportunity and advantage I can give him. I won’t ever be back to “normal”. I think it is unrealistic the way we expect women to act as if there hasn’t been this massive shift that affects almost every aspect of our existence . Our bodies, and our lives, are permanently changed.  There shouldn’t be this pressure to immediately look exactly as you did before. We may need accommodations in public and at work in order to breastfeed our children. We may need altered schedules or responsibilities at work. We definitely need more help than we did before from our partners, our families, and our friends. There is no normal in a life with children, because they are constantly growing and changing. As mothers, we should be allowed to grow and change with them. 

Never having a hand for myself is the new normal

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I guess just please stop asking me about life getting back to normal. Please stop asking any new Mom. Don't give new mothers the false expectation, or pressure, that life will go back to the way it was before kids. This crazy life you are living now is the new normal. It's hard, but I love it.

Instead of brunch and naps, Sundays are now spend at the Children's museum

Portland 10 Miler

Hey Guys, I did a thing this weekend. I ran a race! It was my first race since last August, so it was exciting. I ran the inaugural Portland 10 miler. It fit nicely into my half marathon training and it is always nice to get to replace a long run with a race.

Packet pick-up was available the day before at Rising Tide (a local brewery). I thought it was a fun place to do pick-up and a lot of people took advantage of the beautiful day and sat outside with a beer after their got their packets. Unfortunately I had a whiny baby strapped to my back so we did not linger. The shirts were cotton long sleeve, which made me happy. I wear these all the time to sleep in and mine are all at least a decade old, so it is definitely time for a new one. The sizing seemed a big strange. The shirts were unisex so I got a small. It’s on the small side, but my friend’s medium was huge!

Race morning with a toddler who wants to be glued to your side is a challenge, but luckily the race didn’t start until 10 so I managed to get myself dressed, fed, bathroomed and out the door by 8:45. Parking was a bit of a mess. The race website just said parking was at Payson park (where the race started) but didn’t give any specifics. We saw one person directing traffic but as we turned into the road he indicated, he turned around, folded up his sign saying “race parking,” and walked away without giving any of the cars he had waved in any direction.

I went back and forth on what to wear. It’s been so cold training that I knew 50 something would feel very warm. But there was also a strong breeze off the water. At the very last minute (like literally 2 minutes before the start) I decided to run in a t-shirt and I sprinted to the car to drop my long sleeve shirt.

There were about 1,500 people in the race which seemed just about right. I had people around me the whole way, but it was never overly congested. The course started out in the park and then headed out to Baxter Boulevard along Back Cove. There is a lovely dirt trail along the cove here, but unfortunately they had us running on the road for the first mile and half of so. The road was really slanted and my legs were not happy with the angle.

My public goal was to stay under a 10 minute mile, but my secret goal was a 9 minute mile. I waited until I was about 4 miles into the race and settled into a steady pace to figure out if that might be possible and it was! In training I’ve been doing intervals of 8-9 mins running, 1 minute walking, but in the race I just kind of winged it. I walked through the water steps every 2 miles (I can’t run and drink) and took a couple walk breaks on the really steep hills.

At mile 5 we went up a long steep hill to the get to the top of Eastern Prom. The views were pretty, but the slant of the road bothered me again. We ran along the top of the prom for about a mile and then down a steep hill back to Baxter Boulevard. Running down the hill also didn’t do great things for my legs and feet. In general they were what held me back. Cardiovascularly I was fine, but my lower body felt achy and heavy.

I had hoped that since I ran 12.5 mile just a week and half ago that the 10 miles would feel easy. It didn’t. The last 3 miles were a struggle. I just couldn’t get my legs to move any faster and we were running into a strong headwind. The saving grace was that we did get to run on the dirt trail once we were back on Baxter Boulevard. The dirt was a lot gentler on my legs. I did not like the end of this race. We turned into the entrance to Payson Park and it felt like the finish should be right there. But instead we had to run up a slight incline for ¼ to ½ a mile. Gross. I didn’t have much a kick left in me, but I gave it what I had and finished in 1:30:09 for a 9:01 pace. Just 9 seconds over my secret goal. I’ll take it!

The medals and food were fine, nothing special. There was free beer as well, but the line to get into the beer area was super long so we opted to head out and go get lunch instead. We headed to Highroller Lobster Co for the ultimate post race food- lobster grilled cheese, fries, and beer. All of the above were amazing.

I crashed big time after lunch. The race really took it out of me. I was done. I managed a 15 minute dog walk later with the family but other than that I didn’t move much (except to go get Blizzards at Dairy Queen for dinner haha) and I went to bed at 8. I’m a little worried about my upcoming half based on how exhausted I was by the 10 miler, but I’m also not feeling great today so maybe I’m getting sick?

Overall I’d give this race a B. Organization was decent, course was decent, shirts are decent, just nothing too special.

How was your weekend? 

Aerial Yoga Teacher Training

This past weekend I did something really fun: I got certified to teach aerial yoga! When I first saw that the training was being offered at one of my favorite studios, I was really torn about signing up. It sounded so amazingly fun, but it was a big commitment, both in terms of time and money. My husband works on weekends so it meant finding 3 full days of childcare. It also meant giving up a day of paid work and paying a significant tuition.


In the end I decided to take the plunge though. I had been feeling a little burnt out and like I needed something exciting, inspiring, and fulfilling in my life. It's been awhile since I immersed myself in something new.

The training was 3 full days and it was a mix of yoga practice, classroom instruction, and practice teaching. It was so fun to learn some new aerial tricks, but I actually found it just as fun to practice teaching. Teaching aerial is a unique challenge because many times your students can't see you. So you really have to use simple, clear, cues to guide them. It's a good mental challenge to design a balanced class and then lead that class effectively.

I'm teaching some practice classes in the next month (they are free and at Tula if you are local and want to come and then I hope to be able to teach at least one class a week going forward. But even if I don't end up teaching, I'm glad I took the time for myself to dive deeper into a new passion.